Lawyer Jokes

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    Lawyer Jokes

    The Art Collector

    A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

    The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.” The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.” Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?” The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

    Successful Surgery

    A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery.

    He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”


    Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.

    Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.

    Genie: Done! You have no more wishes.

    Me: But you said 3.

    Genie: Sue me.


    A Father Walks into a Restaurant

    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

    Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

    “No,” the woman replied… “Divorce Attorney.”

    Grass is Always Greener

    A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, “Why are you eating grass?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor women replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. “But sir, I have a husband and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.” “Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor women he stated, “You come with us also.” The second women, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a husband and SIX children with me!” “Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”

    Questionable Liability

    You can’t blame anyone else if you fall in your driveway…

    It’s your own asphalt.

    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident…

    The couple themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

    St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

    The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they begin to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in Heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

    “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

    “Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

    St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

    “OH, COME ON!” Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

    The local charity realized that it never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer…

    So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community?”

    The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your reserach also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and that she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

    Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, “Uh…no, I didn’t know that.”

    “Secondly,” says the lawyer, “Did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

    The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

    “Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

    The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

    And the lawyer says, “So, if I don’t give them any money, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

    A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident…

    The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

    St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book.

    He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also.

    “Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings,” said St. Peter.

    They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings.

    St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.

    The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.

    St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.

    St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.

    The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, “Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion! I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?”

    St. Peter looked at the Pope and said, “True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here.”

    A Lawyer Avoids A Speeding Ticket…

    Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?

    Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

    Lawyer: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see y our license, please?

    Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don’t have one.

    Officer: Don’t have one?

    Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

    Lawyer: I can’t do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Lawyer: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to…self-defense. Otherwise, he would call the police and I would be in jail.

    The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please!

    The lawyer steps out of the vehicle.

    Lawyer: Is there a problem sir?

    Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.

    Lawyer: Killed the owner?

    Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?

    Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The officer is quite stunned.

    Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don’t have a driver’s license.

    The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Senior Officer: Thank you, sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.

    Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

    A Lawyer Buys A Fancy New Car…

    A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car and was eager to show it off to his colleagues when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, “MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!”

    “You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.

    “Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.

    “HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

    The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, “MY ROLEX!”

    For Hire: Karate Lawyer…

    Karate Lawyer

    This Lawyer Is Thorough…

    The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

    “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

    “The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

    “What’s the good news?”

    “Your cholesterol is 130.”

    Guilty of Annoyance

    A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

    Judge: “Where do you work?”

    Defendant: “Here and there.”

    Judge: “What do you do for 
a living?”

    Defendant: “This and that.”

    Judge: “Take him away.”

    Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

    Judge: “Sooner or later.”

    The Sandwich Switch

    Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks. They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

    The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you’re not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

    The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

    The Case of The Imaginary Dogs

    My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”

    The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”

    The case was dismissed.

    A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandfather.

    On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

    “Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “why would you think that?”

    “The tombstone back there said…’Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

    One useless man is called a disgrace;

    Two are called a law firm;

    and three or more become a Congress.

    Question: What do lawyers use for birth control?

    Answer: Their personalities