Lawyer Jokes

Four surgeons are discussing their favorite patients. 

Surgeon 1: Accountants are the best; you open then up and everything is in numerical order. 

Surgeon 2: I prefer librarians: everything’s in alphabetical order. 

Surgeon 3: Nah, engineers. If you have a few parts left over when you’re done, they don’t mind. 

Surgeon 4: You’re all wrong. The best are lawyers. 

The other three look at him. 

Surgeon 4: Look, they’re brainless, heartless, spineless, and gutless, and the head and the ass are interchangeable! 

The Art Collector

Successful Surgery

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery.

He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

Wishes

Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done! You have no more wishes.

Me: But you said 3.

Genie: Sue me.

A Father Walks into a Restaurant

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied… “Divorce Attorney.”

Grass is Always Greener

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, “Why are you eating grass?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor women replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. “But sir, I have a husband and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.” “Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor women he stated, “You come with us also.” The second women, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a husband and SIX children with me!” “Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”

Questionable Liability

You can’t blame anyone else if you fall in your driveway…

It’s your own asphalt.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident…

The couple themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they begin to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in Heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!” Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

The local charity realized that it never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer…

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your reserach also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and that she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, “Uh…no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “Did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So, if I don’t give them any money, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident…

The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book.

He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also.

“Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings,” said St. Peter.

They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings.

St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.

The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.

St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.

St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.

The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, “Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion! I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?”

St. Peter looked at the Pope and said, “True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here.”

A Lawyer Avoids A Speeding Ticket…

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Lawyer: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see y our license, please?

Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Lawyer: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Lawyer: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner.

Officer: You what?

Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to…self-defense. Otherwise, he would call the police and I would be in jail.

The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please!

The lawyer steps out of the vehicle.

Lawyer: Is there a problem sir?

Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.

Lawyer: Killed the owner?

Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?

Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don’t have a driver’s license.

The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Senior Officer: Thank you, sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.

Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A Lawyer Buys A Fancy New Car…

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car and was eager to show it off to his colleagues when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, “MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!”

“You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.

“Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.

“HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, “MY ROLEX!”

For Hire: Karate Lawyer…

This Lawyer Is Thorough…

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

Guilty of Annoyance

A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for 
a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

The Sandwich Switch

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks. They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you’re not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

The Case of The Imaginary Dogs

My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”

The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”

The case was dismissed.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandfather.

On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said…’Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”

One useless man is called a disgrace;

Two are called a law firm;

and three or more become a Congress.

Question: What do lawyers use for birth control?

Answer: Their personalities

Question: What do lawyers use for birth control?

Answer: Their personalities

This one time, in court:

Lawyer: Your honor, moron you are a complete.

Judge: That’s out of order!!

An attorney called and asked to speak to his client, a wealthy art collector:

He said, “Matt, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an absolutely rotten day, Jack, so let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars, and I think she might be right.”

Matt perked up and replied, “Amazing! My wife is such a brilliant businesswoman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

“The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

A lawyer was sitting in her office late one night when Satan appeared and offered her a deal:

Why do they bury lawyers 12 ft under?

Because deep down, they’re good.

What do you call 6 lawyers buried up to their chins in cement?

Not enough cement.

A couple were walking through a graveyard when they came upon a stone that read

“Here lies John Howard, a lawyer and a good man.”

The wife turned to her husband and said, “Look, Honey! They buried three people in one grave!

Why have researchers started using lawyers as lab animals rather than rats?

1. Grad students keep on getting attached to the rats;

2. There are more lawyers than rats; and

3. There are some things a rat just won’t do.

It’s so cold outside, I just saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!

An engineer, a doctor, and a lawyer are arguing about who practices the oldest profession.

The doctor says “at the beginning of creation, God performed surgery by taking a rib from Adam and then healing him – therefore healthcare is the oldest profession.”

The engineer retorts with “no, before that, God created the rest of the universe out of all the chaos and confusion, which was an act of engineering.”

The lawyer smirks and says, “Who do you think created all the chaos and confusion?”

What do layers and sperm have in common?

They each have a one-in-a-million shot at becoming a human being.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

The dog has got skid marks in front of it.

What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Depends on the retainer.

Why did the tiger run through the jungle eating elephant dung?

He had just eaten a lawyer and wanted to get the taste out of his mouth.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

Depends how thinly you slice them.

AI will never replace lawyers because AI can’t go get drinks with the judge.

A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living.

Billy proudly stands up and announces, “My daddy plays piano in a whоrеhоusе.”

The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy’s father and explains what Billy said.

Billy’s father says, “Actually, I’m an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

Why do lawyers wear neckties?

To hold back the foreskin.